Global Warming Threatens to End Life in Minnesota by 2008

Using the same fool-proof scientific approach that environmental activists use, I have determined that life as we know it - at least here in Minnesota - will cease to exist in less than a year. How do I know this? First, I refused to look at any previous weather trends throughout history, deciding instead to limit my observations to a very brief period of time. That way, I know that I am using the most current data available. In this case, I am using temperatures dating back to January 1, 2007.

Next, after taking regular readings from my backyard thermometer for the last three-and-a-half months, I made note of the average temperature (the mean between the extreme highs and lows) for each bi-weekly period:

Jan. 1 - Jan. 14: 12°
Jan. 15 - Jan. 28: 18°
Jan. 29 - Feb. 11: 24°
Feb. 12 - Feb. 25: 30°
Feb. 26 - Mar. 11: 35°
Mar. 12 - Mar. 25: 42°
Mar. 26 - Apr. 8: 48°

As you can see, the average temperature has been rising steadily since the beginning of the year at an astonishing rate of 6° every two weeks!

This is bad news. If the current trend continues, it could have devastating effects on life here in Minnesota. Here are the projections through the end of the year:

Apr. 9 - Apr. 22: 54°
Apr. 23 - May 6: 60°
May 7 - May 20: 66°
May 21 - June 3: 72°
June 4 - June 17: 78°
Jun. 18 - July 1: 84°
July 2 - July 15: 90°
July 16 - July 29: 96°
July 30 - Aug. 12: 102°
Aug. 13 - Aug. 26: 108°
Aug. 27 - Sept. 9: 114°
Sept. 10 - Sept. 23: 120°
Sept. 24 - Oct. 7: 126°
Oct. 8 - Oct. 21: 132°
Oct. 22 - Nov. 4: 138°
Nov. 5 - Nov. 18: 144°
Nov. 19 - Dec. 2: 150°
Dec. 3 - Dec. 16: 156°
Dec. 17 - Dec. 30: 162°

Again, these are only the projected average temperatures; the extreme highs would be even worse. Needless to say, whatever life is left by the end of the year won't be around much longer.

And keep in mind that my observations are limited to my immediate geographical location, so I cannot say with 100% certainty that these numbers reflect what will happen elsewhere. But since the climate tends to be warmer closer to the equator, I can only assume that life in those areas will have died out long before it does here in Minnesota. Without a doubt, it will be the poor who suffer the most.

So let's quit talking about conserving water, using energy-saving fluorescent light bulbs, and driving hybrid cars. With over 6 billion people each spewing 450 liters of deadly CO₂ into the atmosphere each day, time is running out. We need to stop all human activity NOW! Our very lives depend on it.