Labels: Just for Fun
JANUARY: As the Justice Department launches its investigation into the NSA wiretap leaks, George W. Bush reminds his fellow citizens that dictatorial powers are nothing new. "Every president since FDR has secretly spied on American citizens," the president says in a press conference, "so I don't see what the big deal is." It remains unclear how he would feel if every president since FDR jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge.
FEBRUARY: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie officially tie the knot on Valentine's Day. No one with a life cares.
MARCH: Another Academy Awards show comes and goes without me catching Oscar fever. I guess those vaccination shots are working.
APRIL: Many of America's mega-churches cancel worship services scheduled for the 16th. Cally Parkinson, a spokeswoman for Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, Illinois, explains: "We didn't have services last year when Christmas fell on a Sunday because we thought it would be a waste of resources if the unchurched weren't planning on coming to church anyway. This year, Easter happens to fall on a Sunday, and since most people spend time with their families on Easter, I think we need to be consistent in allowing the unchurched to dictate church policy."
MAY: Steve Jobs of Apple Computer announces the release of the iPod Nanobot for those who hate dealing with the hassle of lugging around pocket-sized digital media players. Using space age technology, this microscopic player is injected into the bloodstream and eventually lodges itself in the listener's inner ear canal. Say "Goodbye" to annoying earbud cords forever!
JUNE: Congress holds another hearing on the use of steroids in Major League Baseball. According to Senator John McCain, "These hearings are part of an ongoing effort to protect the most sacred of America's institutions. We hope to have hearings on the threats posed to hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet before the year is out."
JULY: Independence Day. July Fourth marks the 230th birthday of our nation. A White House press release commemorates the occasion: "This is a special time. It is a time to reflect on what it means to live in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. It is a time to decide whether you are with us or against us. Most importantly, it is that time of year when Americans everywhere join in patriotic celebration of a country that has demonstrated its resilience by outliving its own Constitution. God bless America!"
AUGUST: There is another high-level government leak. The New York Times reports that iPod Nanobots are being used by the NSA to track the movements and musical tastes of listeners. A White House spokesman tries to deflect criticism by saying that only those listening to Middle Eastern music were being monitored. The Justice Department begins another investigation.
SEPTEMBER: It has been five years since the 9/11 terrorist attacks, and President Bush marks the anniversary with a prime-time speech updating the nation on the progress being made in the war on terror. "None of our sacrifices have been in vain," he assures us. "Saddam Hussein has been removed from power and Iraq is well on its way to becoming a full-fledged, fundamentalist Islamic state, bringing hope of freedom and equality to the Middle East. Yes, the world is indeed much safer now than it was five years ago."
OCTOBER: Hurricane season has been unusually mild this year. Environmentalists blame global warming.
NOVEMBER: All the rigorous campaigning on the part of Democrats and Republicans culminates in the mid-term elections. So who wins control of the House and Senate? Seriously, folks, does it really matter?
DECEMBER: Impressed by the accuracy with which the future events of 2006 had been reported last year, you eagerly anticipate EverVigilant.net's sneak peak at 2007.
Thanks for reading, and I hope you and yours have a happy and blessed New Year!
Labels: Just for Fun