New Songs for the Season

The Department of Homeland Security (an oxymoron if there ever was one) recently boosted our terror alert to "HIGH"—that's "ORANGE" on the Homeland Security's color-coded warning system. What does that mean to you and me? Well, according to those charged with safeguarding our lives and liberty, not much. We are to simply go ahead with our holiday plans and live our lives as if we were in no danger at all.

Sec. Tom Ridge, in an announcement from Washington, said confidently, "I can assure you that your government will stand at the ready, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to stop terrorism during the holiday season and beyond." Forget the fact that those in power were completely surprised two years ago that terrorists would use commercial airliners as guided missles. This "new and improved" government wants us to know that we will be kept out of harm's way.

With that, I think a couple of Christmas carols will help lift our spirits. I took the liberty of updating the lyrics, but since you all know the tunes, feel free to sing along:

Orange Christmas

I'm dreaming of an orange Christmas.
Forget the ones I used to know.
Though the treetops glisten,
The children listen
To hear sirens start to blow.

I'm dreaming of an orange Christmas
With terror threats both day and night.
Though your days be numbered, sleep tight.
And forget your Christmases were white.


God Rest Ye Merry Citizens

God rest ye merry citizens,
Let nothing ye dismay.
The government is watching out
For you on Christmas Day,
To save us from al Qaeda's pow'r
Hoorah! Hip, hip hooray!

O Homeland Security's a joy,
Comfort and joy
O fighting to thwart al Qaeda's ploy.

From Bush our stalwart president
Those words of comfort came.
And unto certain cities
Brought tidings of the same,
Although in NYC were terror
Threats from cloud and flame

O Homeland Security's a joy,
Comfort and joy
O fighting to thwart al Qaeda's ploy.

"Fear not," then said the president,
"Let nothing ye affright,
Tom Ridge is right on top of things
With virtue, pow'r, and might;
So fervently to vanquish all
The terrorists from sight."

O Homeland Security's a joy,
Comfort and joy
O fighting to thwart al Qaeda's ploy.

The people at those tidings
Rejoiced with peace of mind,
Indulged in yuletide feeding,
And filled themselves with wine,
And went about their lives straightway,
More happiness to find.

O Homeland Security's a joy,
Comfort and joy
O fighting to thwart al Qaeda's ploy.

The word from Washington it came,
Whereat great power lay,
"No need for arming citizens,
They'll just be in the way.
The government will keep you safe;
If not, then start to pray."

O Homeland Security's a joy,
Comfort and joy
O fighting to thwart al Qaeda's ploy.

Now to the feds sing praises,
All ye within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood
Each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas
No threat will now deface.

O Homeland Security's a joy,
Comfort and joy
O fighting to thwart al Qaeda's ploy.